a little too much

a little too much
today was a little too much for me
a few falls too many 
and one win too few

That's how it felt today. Too much, no wins. Plans changed, grumpy teething girly requires attention and holding, which means not everything gets done. I know I have a problem dealing with unmet  expectations, but every time I thing I'm becoming more flexible, it is tested, and I end up breaking. I'm obviously not there yet.

a little too long
today was a little too long for me
but someone is calling
calling my name

 Too long. In need of rest; the physical kind, or so I thought. As I sit here waiting for a the load of wash to finish, the husband in bed, and the little girl finally fast asleep; I discover maybe its not just physical rest I'm in need of.

calling

come, come and rest
all who are weary rest, 
come, come and rest
all who are heavy rest, 
rest

Its so much more than the bone-weariness of the day.
Today at work, we were talking about loss. And how it's not that one persons loss is harder, bigger, or more important than another. Loss is loss. Loss is hard. Loss is pain. Loss is grieved, no matter what kind of loss it is. There is no need to compare, no need to diminish. The truth is, loss is part of this life. Doesn't make it any easier.

The fact is
            we were not made for this world of loss. 

And most losses in my life, have served to either draw me to rest in God, or draw my heart towards longing for the place that I was created for.
To rest, sometimes feels so hard to do, but oh the sweet comfort, when I let it all go and truly rest.

sometimes i try
sometimes i try just a little to hard
fighting the currents and losing the fight

Ever feel like your fighting for something so hard and aren't getting anywhere? Sometimes, its more about when you give up the fight, and let God take you in that current to the place He wants you to be. Its scary, it goes against my controlling, stubborn, never-back-down nature. But again its about resting in the One who created me. And trust.

Such a big deal to me.



It's not so much that my story holds lots of instances of trust betrayed, however it's such a huge deal. Maybe it has more to do with pride than anything else. The whole "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing.

sometimes i feel
sometimes i feel like I'm swimming alone
but, someone is holding, holding me up

But that's not an issue when it comes to resting in God, so why do I still struggle? I know that He has my best in His heart, why is it so much to fully rest?

calling

calling me softly and sweetly
calling me like I'm a child
calling me tho I'm not worthy
calling me even now

 He still pursues me, He still loves me. He patiently calls me, waiting for me to completely rest, completely let go and let Him handle it. To fully trust, To full rest.

come, come and rest
all who are weary rest
come, come and rest
all who are heavy rest, 
rest

Jennie's with Jesus

Its been awhile. Its not  that I've not had anything to write about, its just that most times the posts get written in my mind and stop there.
Not tonight.
Sometimes, it needs to be written down. Sorted out Processed.

This morning I almost didn't go to church. I had a rough night dealing with a migraine, and figured it would be beneficial to sleep off the remaining headache. About 10 minutes before it was time to leave, I decided to go along. I got my self together and off we went.
It was a wet rainy morning. Day for that matter. As Olivia wriggled her way through church I tried to distract her by pointing out the rain making trails down the window.
It worked momentarily, and for a bit distracted me too. There is a certain way that when rain makes trails down a window like that it always makes me feel like God is crying. As I looked out the window, I pondered what would be making God cry. My morning, although not the greatest, was going good.
We left fairly soon after church. I still had a headache, and was ready to get home.
On the way out, I got caught up talking to someone, and then one of the little girls, was talking to me. Smiling and talking to my overly tired little girl, her face lit by her thousand watt smile.
Then we left.
Tonight that little girl, and her thousand watt smile, is lighting up the streets as she dances with Jesus.
As the tears fall, I know now. That's why God was crying this morning. That's why the rain is making trails down my window. As God looks over and sees Jenny dancing with Jesus, I believe he has tears in His eyes.
Oh they're not for Jennie.
They are for her family, who not only have physical pain to deal with right now, but the other kind that hurts so bad you can't decide where that stops and the physical pain starts.
This evening, I'm at a loss.
It doesn't make sense.
It hurts
It cant be sorted out, and right now, I cant process.
All I know, is Jenny's with Jesus, her family is in pain, and God cried.

Please pray for her family. Her sister and parents were also in the accident and in two different hospitals. Her brother and other sisters were at home. Pray for them all. For healing; physical and otherwise.

More precious than yesterday...

Today my little girl is 3 months, one day. That one day seems really monumental for me right now. You see, last night we had a scare. Now I know that all parents have scares. But I’m a first time parent, and this was a scarier scare than we’ve had before.
C was in bed sleeping, I had put her to bed as well. I was out finishing up a few things before bed. It was late. I should have been in bed sleeping, but I wasn’t. I checked on her, pulled the covers away from her face and I crawled in my bed and snuggled down into the covers, praying that she would sleep all night again. I hadn’t more than closed my eyes, when I heard her making “not breathing sounds” like when you get the breath knocked out of you.
I flew out of bed, in the process waking up C, grabbed her out of her bassinet, tried to wake  her, blew in her face till she finally started breathing again. Sleeping the whole time…when she woke up from us exclaiming and turning on the light, she just looked at us like what are you doing up? before snuggling in my arms and returning to sleep.
As I lay there, alert to every move and noise she made, I kept running scenarios of what could have happened. Had I been in bed sleeping, I most likely would not have heard her. Worst cases, flashed through my mind, until it hit me.
The things that could  have happened……….didn’t.
As I began thinking of the huge back story (extending back several years) to why I went to bed when I did, I stood (ok lay) in awe of our Abba Father, who loves and cares for us in all things. Even when the could have happend’s; do happen. I began to realize how much I have already – at only 3 months- begun to take her for granted. And I realized once again that she is first the daughter of her Heavenly Papa, and then ours.
Early this morning, as I fed her, and rocked her back to sleep, I held her a little closer, and kissed her little head. She started with her face splitting, ear moving smiles. Her eyes were closed and she was asleep, but perhaps an angel was tickling her, ’cause God knew that was just what this mamma needed this morning.
So Is she more precious than yesterday? No not actually, my eyes have simply been opened to just how precious a gift I hold in my arms.

Doing Dishes...

Growing up, my Mom always washed the dishes after supper. We cleared the table, swept the floor, dried the dishes & put them away. We alternated who did what, but Mom always washed the supper dishes. Perhaps it's because I never had to do them that much, or maybe because when I did have to do them it was most times Saturday and lots of mixing/baking dishes were added to it; regardless, washing dishes is one of my least favorite jobs. I can enjoy laundry, and dusting/sweeping, but washing dishes is another thing completely.
Today, as my little girl slept in the other room, I filled my dishpan with water, added some soap, and plunged my hands into the warmth & bubbles, and smiled. There was something deeply satisfying about washing dishes today. There I was, just me some soapy bubbles and the dirty dishes. I sighed one of those deep cleansing sighs, and thought "What's so bad about doing dishes?"
The past few days, my little girl has been pretty much "mommy needs to hold me all the time". I love holding her, staring into her little blue eyes, and talking to her. However, my family is soon going to put me on the show Hoarders if my house keeps looking like this. So to be able to lay her down while she slept, and do dishes, it was a welcome respite.
Maybe that is why my mom always washed the dishes? Don't know, perhaps I'll ask her.

Taking a nap on my doll bunk bed. My dad gave
this to me for one of my birthdays back in the day.
I'd love to use it to take pictures of twins someday.
As long as the twins belong to someone other than me!

She is 4 weeks old today. It's crazy. I'm hoping time slows down at some point. I feel like the days are speeding by. She is growing like a weed. Rolling from her back to her belly, ( dont most babies wait a while to do that?) talking to us, and completely wrapping herself around our hearts.

I'm a new person

My life has changed forever.
From my third story perch, I watched this morning as the sun tried desperately to push away the clouds & fog of night.
It's not the first time I saw a sunrise. It's not the first time that the darkness slowly gave way to day. But it was a first for me.
I'm not the same as the last time I watched the sun rise.
I'm not alone.
Nestled in the crook of my arm is this little tiny being that has bewitched me. She has completely stolen my heart. She has changed me. She has made me a mom. 
Her name is Olivia Kate.

Fleeting Moments on Main Street

It's been a crazy summer..
Crazy meaning whirlwind of events.
Crazy meaning out of the ordinary.
Crazy meaning there were times I felt like I should be committed (to a mental institution).
Crazy meaning unexpected.
Crazy meaning good!

It all started the beginning of June. Actually I guess it was the end of May.
My dad used to be on the local Water Authority for the town I grew up in. He still goes to the meetings and still gets involved. Turns out they own a house that they were taking bids to move or tear it down. Out of the blue the one evening, when we were at mom's, we decided to go check it out. We walked around, peeked in windows, talked about it, and suddenly in the space of about 2 weeks, went from not even looking at buying a house, to having our offer accepted, and beginning the journey of owning our own house.

It's taking some work, painting, new roof, obvious landscaping,  but we are excited about the prospect of owning a place of our own. 

Along with that comes change. C is not completely thrilled to leave his hometown where he has lived his whole life. I on the other hand am returning to my hometown where I spent most of my "growing up" years. However, it is the end of living on Main Street. After 23 years of living along main street, I will reside on a "quiet residential side street". Hopefully with lots of beautiful sunsets.

We spend most of our evenings working at our house, with whatever family members it suits to help. Painting, floor sanding, removing wallpaper, flooring, gutting bathrooms...we hope to move the end of September. We'll see how it comes along.

Firestorm Lisa Tawn Bergren

Firestorm follows the life of hotshot boss Reyne Oldre. After a tragic encounter with a major firestorm, Reyne builds her walls, hides behind her fears and becomes a no nonsense kind of girl. She leaves the front lines and becomes a fire specialist. Along the way, Relyne battles her way through all that she encounters. Including Logan McCabe, a smoker jumper, with undeniable charm.
 When a second fire threatens all that she holds dear, Reyne needs to choose to give her fears to God, or hide behind her well built walls.
I often find myself cringing at what I call the "cheese factor" of Christian Romance, while this book had a few of those moments, growing up as a firefighters daughter, and now the wife a firefighter; this book grabbed me and held on for dear life.
Follow Reyne as she battles through fires, life, loss and love.

This book was provided free of charge by Waterbrook Multnomah Publishers in exchange for this honest review.