Monday, June 30, 2014

a little too much

a little too much
today was a little too much for me
a few falls too many 
and one win too few

That's how it felt today. Too much, no wins. Plans changed, grumpy teething girly requires attention and holding, which means not everything gets done. I know I have a problem dealing with unmet  expectations, but every time I thing I'm becoming more flexible, it is tested, and I end up breaking. I'm obviously not there yet.

a little too long
today was a little too long for me
but someone is calling
calling my name

 Too long. In need of rest; the physical kind, or so I thought. As I sit here waiting for a the load of wash to finish, the husband in bed, and the little girl finally fast asleep; I discover maybe its not just physical rest I'm in need of.


come, come and rest
all who are weary rest, 
come, come and rest
all who are heavy rest, 

Its so much more than the bone-weariness of the day.
Today at work, we were talking about loss. And how it's not that one persons loss is harder, bigger, or more important than another. Loss is loss. Loss is hard. Loss is pain. Loss is grieved, no matter what kind of loss it is. There is no need to compare, no need to diminish. The truth is, loss is part of this life. Doesn't make it any easier.

The fact is
            we were not made for this world of loss. 

And most losses in my life, have served to either draw me to rest in God, or draw my heart towards longing for the place that I was created for.
To rest, sometimes feels so hard to do, but oh the sweet comfort, when I let it all go and truly rest.

sometimes i try
sometimes i try just a little to hard
fighting the currents and losing the fight

Ever feel like your fighting for something so hard and aren't getting anywhere? Sometimes, its more about when you give up the fight, and let God take you in that current to the place He wants you to be. Its scary, it goes against my controlling, stubborn, never-back-down nature. But again its about resting in the One who created me. And trust.

Such a big deal to me.

It's not so much that my story holds lots of instances of trust betrayed, however it's such a huge deal. Maybe it has more to do with pride than anything else. The whole "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing.

sometimes i feel
sometimes i feel like I'm swimming alone
but, someone is holding, holding me up

But that's not an issue when it comes to resting in God, so why do I still struggle? I know that He has my best in His heart, why is it so much to fully rest?


calling me softly and sweetly
calling me like I'm a child
calling me tho I'm not worthy
calling me even now

 He still pursues me, He still loves me. He patiently calls me, waiting for me to completely rest, completely let go and let Him handle it. To fully trust, To full rest.

come, come and rest
all who are weary rest
come, come and rest
all who are heavy rest, 

Monday, March 31, 2014

Jennie's with Jesus

Its been awhile. Its not  that I've not had anything to write about, its just that most times the posts get written in my mind and stop there.
Not tonight.
Sometimes, it needs to be written down. Sorted out Processed.

This morning I almost didn't go to church. I had a rough night dealing with a migraine, and figured it would be beneficial to sleep off the remaining headache. About 10 minutes before it was time to leave, I decided to go along. I got my self together and off we went.
It was a wet rainy morning. Day for that matter. As Olivia wriggled her way through church I tried to distract her by pointing out the rain making trails down the window.
It worked momentarily, and for a bit distracted me too. There is a certain way that when rain makes trails down a window like that it always makes me feel like God is crying. As I looked out the window, I pondered what would be making God cry. My morning, although not the greatest, was going good.
We left fairly soon after church. I still had a headache, and was ready to get home.
On the way out, I got caught up talking to someone, and then one of the little girls, was talking to me. Smiling and talking to my overly tired little girl, her face lit by her thousand watt smile.
Then we left.
Tonight that little girl, and her thousand watt smile, is lighting up the streets as she dances with Jesus.
As the tears fall, I know now. That's why God was crying this morning. That's why the rain is making trails down my window. As God looks over and sees Jenny dancing with Jesus, I believe he has tears in His eyes.
Oh they're not for Jennie.
They are for her family, who not only have physical pain to deal with right now, but the other kind that hurts so bad you can't decide where that stops and the physical pain starts.
This evening, I'm at a loss.
It doesn't make sense.
It hurts
It cant be sorted out, and right now, I cant process.
All I know, is Jenny's with Jesus, her family is in pain, and God cried.

Please pray for her family. Her sister and parents were also in the accident and in two different hospitals. Her brother and other sisters were at home. Pray for them all. For healing; physical and otherwise.