Bug on the Windsheild

Yes, it had been one of those days.
I woke up in the morning right on time. Twelve hours -give or take- from when I had fallen asleep. I wasn't feeling the greatest the night before, and truth be told those 12 hours didn't do much to improve the way I felt.
My contacts were all dried out from sleeping with them in.
I got my breakfast, packed my lunch & headed to work.
Despite leaving in plenty of time, after getting behind a tractor, unable to pass; I punched in at 7:32.
It was a long day.
Stress of trying to get all things on my list done.
Added pressure of last minute things to get done.
Till I looked at the clock & realized it was 5:00, and past time for me to be headed home; I was feeling the need for another 12 hour night.
Driving home i was making mental lists of all i needed to do in the evening before being able to get some sleep. I felt ever so much like a bug, and my mental list combined with my day was the windshield coming at me at 45 mph.
I was in stop & go traffic. I like that even less than following tractors. At one of the "stop" times, i saw movement in the top right corner of my windshield. And there was a little bug crawling across my windshield. I actually smiled at the irony of my previous thoughts of feeling like a bug splattered on a windshield.
I watched as he crawled ever so slowly. His antennae waving in the air. Antennae that look to be only ever so slightly attached to his body. I began to marvel at my Creator's handiwork. Thinking about the bug & how delicately he was designed, and God taking care of his every need.
The thought of God taking care of me, and knowing how many hairs are on my head, really hit home for the first time. Or at least in a way that I never thought of before.
I am a "make my world work" type of person. I have plans, I figure out what I need to do to get the results I expect. When my world doesn't work, I get stressed, I get frustrated, and often times to my shame, I only then cry out to God.
Even then it is "Lord, help me make this work" not "Lord here is the situation, I give it to You"
Amazing how sometimes all it takes is something like a bug on the windshield for God to get your attention.

It's May 22nd...

and the world is still here.
No rapture. Not that I was expecting it at 6pm as Mr Harold Camping predicted.
The world didnt end; but someone's world ended today.
Someone died today.
Actually about 154,138 someones died today. Their world ended. Were they ready?
So maybe like me you weren't looking for Christ to return at 6pm, but are you looking for Him to return?
He's coming back.
Not at 6pm on May 21 2001, but maybe May 22,2011. Or maybe it wont be for another 100 years.
We dont know when, but it will happen.
Ready or not. He's coming.

Hope...

You know those moments that are just ordinary, & all the sudden, that ordinary moment turns into a moment of utter clarity. It can be a phrase, a song, or just a insignificant greeting card saying. But at that moment it speeks so deeply into your life & to your particular place in life, that you will simply remember it for the rest of your life.

I'm sure if I would think for a little I could come up with many instances, but there are a few that come to mind immediately. And alot of them have to do with songs.
I'm a words girl. I read, I write, I talk. Words do it for me. So, songs do it for me. Lyrics can be so powerful. Words are powerful.

It's been about a year. We went to a Casting Crowns concert. It was kinda a last minute thing. We had other plans, but when the opportunity came up, we took it. Our seats were in the very top row at the Giant Center. As far away from the stage as you could be without being outside or on the roof. But it was monumental.
At the time, I was struggling with alot of questions. The carpet had been ripped out from under me, and I felt like my world was a snow globe being shaken by an over-exuberant 2 year old. I thought I had been dealing with my "issues". But it's funny how they can come back up with no warning.
Especially when someone else puts your feelings into words in the form of a song.
When CC sang Praise you in this storm everyone starts singing along, and as the lyrics were up there on the jumbotron, I realized for the first time that the lyrics were praise you in this storm, not the storm, and that was the first chip at my heart. Cause I was in a very real storm to me, and to sing that I will Praise God in the midst of the storm, was alot different than telling God that I would praise Him in this storm. The song starts with these words.
      I was sure by now That You would have reached down
      And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
That was exactly what I was feeling. In all honesty I think I may have been a bit angry at God. I know, how un-Christian right? I was angry about injustice. I was angry that the power of my words were  being demeened & nullified. I was angry that God wasnt stepping in & saving the day. I was feeling trapped in a situation that was out. of.  my.  control.
     I remember when I stumbled in the windYou heard my cry,You raised me up again
    But my strength is almost gone How can I carry on if I can't find You
I was having a very hard time finding God in the midst of my struggles. Oh there were many times in my life I could look back & see how God was at work in my life. How He had made things work out. But in my state that day, I couldn't see it. I was fighting for all I was worth. I was seeking truth. But I was being met with brick walls. I was drained. And in my human mind I could not see how God - a God of truth, justice, love, mercy, & hope- could be found in my situation.
   I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

   For You are who You are no matter where I am
   And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
   You never left my side and though my heart is torn
   I will praise You in this storm
It was that moment in the darkenss of the nosebleed section at a Casting Crowns concert that I hadn't even planned to be at. God was there & Hope was restored. Hope in the future. hope that the injustice would end. Hope that I would not be in this storm for the rest of my life. Granted it wasn't over. But there was the final realization that this is not all that God has in store for me. And...that He wasn't going anywhere.

As I said, it's been a year. A year of growth, & a year of realizing just how great my God is. Not great as in "that was a great sunset" but great in the way that He is my Strong Tower, my Shelter in the Storm. My Defender, my Abba.

Diving In...

Peace

Tranquility

Solitude

Freedom

Serenity

Silence

Stillness

These are the words that have been flowing through my brain the last week or two. It all started one night when C convinced me that anyone can float, and talked me through my fear (most of it) of water & right into a floating state. :) Since then it has become one of my favorite things to do in the pool.

Floating ears submerged beneath the water, all you hear is quite, silence. The traffic noise, my annoying incessantly barking dog, the neighbors lawn mower, even the birds. Its all gone. & when I find myself in that place of complete silence, my mind can think freely, and my heart can listen... Its therapeutic.

"Be still & know that I am God."

I've loved these words for so long. Maybe it is because in my life, there are few still moments. Or, maybe it is just the amazing thought of knowing that He is God, and all that it entails. Maybe it is because the Hebrew term for "be still" meant that which is slack, or to let drop, or in some instances, to be disheartened or weak. Cause in all honesty, I've felt that.

If you feel disheartened or weak, know that I am God.

To me, that speaks amazing things to my heart.

Whatever it is, those words were on my mind. & floating in the silence of my little backyard swimming pool, I felt it. The cares on my shoulders couldn't push me down - I was floating. The noise of controversy, I couldn't hear it. It was just me and God. Me floating in the water, with God's blue evening sky domed over top of me. Nothing could reach me. It was beautiful.

And then my mind kicked into analogy mode. It does that every so often.

You see, I told you I learned how to float. & I did. I just float, with one hand grasping the edge of the pool. & before you protest, that it doesn't mean I can float until I've left go of the edge, let me tell you I have. I know I can float. I'm just too scared to float beyond the reach of the poolside. I'm terrified of letting my head go under the water. I'm fearful that I might drown. Even when C is right there saying "I wont let you go under"

I should be fine with it all. After all, he is even an EMT.

And despite the fact that I wonder if I'm missing out on the full experience floating in the middle of the pool, my fear (so far) has kept me from finding out.

And as I lay there floating, I wonder if that is how I am with God sometimes.

I hold on to my safety nets, and my security blankets. God is there saying "Let go... I'll catch you...I won't let you go under", but I hold on instead of launching out with reckless abandon.

Fear is a crippling disease. It gets a hold of your mind, & turns you into a crazy person full of panic. & Satan knows that. He's the master of manipulation, and fear. & I wont let him control me when it comes to MY spiritual life.

It's MY life,

It's me & God,

We're jumping off the high dive together.

We're pushing off from the sides of the pool.

Be still & know that I am God

JOURNEY

Journey. It's a word that has come up in my blog, in my conversations lately, and in emails. It is a word that means so much, that feels so much. To the dictionary, it means traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time. a distance, a course or period of travel; passage or progress from one stage to another. While all these are so, to me it means more. It means not always knowing where I'm going to end up, not always understanding the direction my Map is telling me to go, It means feeling lost but trusting my GPS, it means feeling lonely, but knowing I'm not alone. It means trudging through valleys because they are what divides the mountaintops. It means perseverance It means hope It means faith It means trusting that God's Grace is sufficient It means being still & waiting for direction. I don't know about you, but waiting is one of the hardest things for me to do. I used to work at a bookstore, & while there a book lighted upon the shelves. It caught me by the heart. It was titled Wait. Just a little book with a poem & some photos. What a way to catch my attention than to put two of my hearts loves (poetry & photography) together. And with such a powerful message at that. I was only 17 or so, but it struck such a chord in my life. And many times I find the words running through my mind. Here it is....

Wait by Russell Lee Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

So as I sit & wait (although sometimes I admit I get impatient) I remember that Yes, God's grace is sufficient for me. & even thought the journey at times is hard, painful even. I know without a doubt that God is doing a work in my life, that I would not want to miss. God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end." (Exodus 33:14) And that my friends will make this journey worthwhile.

Raw...

The last couple months of my life, have been a journey of epic proportions. I can only remember one other time in my life, where I have struggled, and fought, and clawed this hard to figure out if what I believe in is the same thing as Who I believe in. I have always prayed that I would never endure heartache like that again. And I haven't for the most part. Back then, I searched the internet over to see if there was anyone else who had discovered the kind of emotional pain, that physically hurt. I didnt find any scientific proof, but I still believe it. The last few months, I have learned once again, that Who I believe in will always trump what I am going through. I've cried, I've prayed, I've fought, I almost gave up almost but between me & God, I picked up where I left off and struggled some more. My strong wall of emotions became a landslide of raw emotion. and in the raw place, my heart open and bleeding on an autopsy table of what felt like failure, God reached in. To a place that I dont think He has ever been before. I'm still struggling, I'm still confused, I'm not sure what the right way to fight is anymore It's still raw, but God is there. He's not gonna let the life drain from me as I fight. And sometimes, God doesn't just fix things for us. Sometimes He lets us live with battle scars. Not because He doesnt care, but because He wants us to remember the fight, and remind us that there are things worth fighting for. I'm still on this epic journey, but I am not alone. And I'm going to be ok. I know it.

Primal: The quest for the lost soul of Christianity

I love reading. I love learning. I love learning by reading. I love Mark Batterson's new book titled Primal. There are few books that I remember reading that have had the power to impact me to such depths. To sit and read, but wanting to jump and do. To read a page, and realize 15 minutes later you are still on that page, because it has caused you to think and explore what those ideas look like in 3D life. This book sent me on a journey. One that I hope I stay on for the rest of my life. It helped me to explore what it means in my life, to love God truly with all my heart soul mind and strength. It renewed my passion for fighting for what is right, for getting close enought to alow my heart to break for the things that break God's heart, for loving with all that I have in me, for discovering all that there is to discover, and to give everything I have, to everything I do. Sorry, I know that is one long sentance & probably not "legal") This book has changed my mindset, and even more it has changed my heart-set. I challenge you to put this book at the top of your reading list for 2010. Read it. Do it. Go back to that Primal place. It's worth it.

As Mark writes, “Is there a place in your past where you met God and God met you? A place where your heart broke for the things that break the heart of God? Maybe it was a sermon that became more than a sermon. Maybe it was a mission trip or retreat. Maybe it was a vow you made at an altar. In that moment, God birthed something supernatural in your spirit. You knew you’d never be the same again. My prayer is that this book would take you back to that burning bush—and reignite a primal faith.”

This book was provided for review by Waterbrook Multnomah. Go order yours today at http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/results.php

The Battles of War...

Iwo Jima, Japan 1945 - They fought for 36 days over an island made of 8 square miles of volcanic rock. It was a foothold, a large step in their strategy. 6800 died, over 19,000 were wounded. Their plan was to attack & win. The fought an enemy that they could not see, as the Japanese fought from trenches and underground passages. They were sitting targets, but they pressed on. Six men climbed Mt. Suribachi together, carrying a flag that weighed over 100 lbs. Their Sargent went with them. The order was to hoist the flag so every Marine on the island could see it. It was a symbol of victory for this battle, and hope for the future. New York City, 2001 - The end of the world as we knew it. Three New York City firefighters, raising a flag in the midst of desolation and despair. The colors of the flag stand brilliant against the gray backdrop of rubble. Again, it was a symbol of hope for the future of not only the city, but of the United States. It sent a message to all - We are still proud, we are not broken, we will press on, we will not give up.

These two pictures are universally known. When you see them, you know when they happened, you know the circumstances surrounding the events, but you don't always know the people in the picture. The flag raisers at Iwo Jima were Sargent Michael Strank, Harlon Block, Franklin Sousley, Ira Hayes, Rene Gagnon, & John Bradley. The firefighters at Ground Zero were George Johnson, Dan McWilliams, & Billy Eisengrein.I can tell you these names, but unless you are related to them, you most likely will not remember them.

However, there is another picture that is well known. And although it alters slightly, different angles, and different artists, it is still a symbol that has stood through much trial, as a symbol of freedom. That is a picture of Christ on the cross. My King crucified that I might live. We know His name, and He is known all over the world

At this very time, we are at war. I'm not talking about the United States anymore. I'm talking about myself, and the Christians around me. If we are not fighting the daily battles, we are losing. Japan's strategy at Iwo Jima, was to kill 10 US soldiers before being killed. Their plan was not to win, but to be a detriment to the US forces. They planned to fail. If you are not planning to win, you are planning to fail. Their is no middle ground.

The Sargent and his men carried the 100 lb flag to the top of the mountain to plant it so all could see, who's control the island was under. Christ as our Sargent is helping us climb the mountains in our lives. Am I winning the battle against self, that is hesitant to show to the world who's control my life is under? Am I willing, like the flag at ground zero, to stand out against a backdrop of sin & spiritual death & destruction? To put Christ out there, through me, that others can see the victory He is helping me to gain, and the hope He gives to others?

At Iwo Jima, those men, represented the United States, at Ground Zero, the firefighters represented our strength and resolve. As Christians, we are ambassadors (authorized messenger or representative) of Christ. Am I showing a clear picture of who Christ is?

Ephesians 6:12-20a

12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; 15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. 17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: 18Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; 19And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, 20For which I am an ambassador.

A house of worth

There is an abandoned old house that I have driven by pretty much every day for the last 10 months. I used to say to Curt - "lets find out who own's that house and make them an offer." It's one of those old houses with the falling down trellis, crooked window shades, overgrown bushes, ...in other words a house with lots of potential. For the past several months, the local fire departments have been using it for training. The windows have been broken out. The crooked shades, are now jagged edged from being torn. The trellis is now disconnected from from the porch roof, and hanging precariously over the driveway. As we drove by the other day, Curt said to me - "Still want to put in an offer?" I laughed and replied with an emphatic "no I think it's beyond saving". I got to thinking as we drove, how good it is that God doesn't have the same attitude as me. He still has interest in me, even if I'm not in the greatest condition. Sin works to destroy us, yet he still sees the value in us. I'm hoping the house stays for a while, it will be a good reminder as I drive by every day.