Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could go back...
*To the days when my friends & I could entertain ourselves for several hours at walmart & leave without buying anything but gum.
*To the days when we bought cakes to celebrate Friday nights off.
*To the days where we tried to see how many girls fit in a bus bathroom...and a telephone booth.
*To the days where the setting summer sun only marked the beginning of a wonderful time.
*To the days of driving to roxburry listening to Rogers & Hammerstein soundtrack of Sound of Music, & pretending our stuffed animals were being stalked
*To the days of CD Players & large headphones with lots of splitters so we could all listen to the music together.
*To the days we (mostly me) would stand defiantly with my face in the wind. (I vaguely think this had something to do with lyrics from a song...maybe from Paul Overstreet or Midsouth?)
*To the days of corny inside jokes that sent us into gales of laughter. Inside jokes that don't even mean anything anymore.
*To the days when we passed Cd's around like prized possessions - cause they were.
*To the days of 6 girls sleeping sideways on a bed just so we could room together at the cabin.
*To the days where we talked & laughed till we cried...
*To the days where the best thing was a new roll of film & time with my friends.

Sometimes I wish I could go back...But only sometimes.

*Disclaimer: This post has a judgement free zone wrapped around it....I realize one or more of these memories may display things that are no longer a part of my character :)

Hope...

You know those moments that are just ordinary, & all the sudden, that ordinary moment turns into a moment of utter clarity. It can be a phrase, a song, or just a insignificant greeting card saying. But at that moment it speeks so deeply into your life & to your particular place in life, that you will simply remember it for the rest of your life.

I'm sure if I would think for a little I could come up with many instances, but there are a few that come to mind immediately. And alot of them have to do with songs.
I'm a words girl. I read, I write, I talk. Words do it for me. So, songs do it for me. Lyrics can be so powerful. Words are powerful.

It's been about a year. We went to a Casting Crowns concert. It was kinda a last minute thing. We had other plans, but when the opportunity came up, we took it. Our seats were in the very top row at the Giant Center. As far away from the stage as you could be without being outside or on the roof. But it was monumental.
At the time, I was struggling with alot of questions. The carpet had been ripped out from under me, and I felt like my world was a snow globe being shaken by an over-exuberant 2 year old. I thought I had been dealing with my "issues". But it's funny how they can come back up with no warning.
Especially when someone else puts your feelings into words in the form of a song.
When CC sang Praise you in this storm everyone starts singing along, and as the lyrics were up there on the jumbotron, I realized for the first time that the lyrics were praise you in this storm, not the storm, and that was the first chip at my heart. Cause I was in a very real storm to me, and to sing that I will Praise God in the midst of the storm, was alot different than telling God that I would praise Him in this storm. The song starts with these words.
      I was sure by now That You would have reached down
      And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
That was exactly what I was feeling. In all honesty I think I may have been a bit angry at God. I know, how un-Christian right? I was angry about injustice. I was angry that the power of my words were  being demeened & nullified. I was angry that God wasnt stepping in & saving the day. I was feeling trapped in a situation that was out. of.  my.  control.
     I remember when I stumbled in the windYou heard my cry,You raised me up again
    But my strength is almost gone How can I carry on if I can't find You
I was having a very hard time finding God in the midst of my struggles. Oh there were many times in my life I could look back & see how God was at work in my life. How He had made things work out. But in my state that day, I couldn't see it. I was fighting for all I was worth. I was seeking truth. But I was being met with brick walls. I was drained. And in my human mind I could not see how God - a God of truth, justice, love, mercy, & hope- could be found in my situation.
   I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands

   For You are who You are no matter where I am
   And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
   You never left my side and though my heart is torn
   I will praise You in this storm
It was that moment in the darkenss of the nosebleed section at a Casting Crowns concert that I hadn't even planned to be at. God was there & Hope was restored. Hope in the future. hope that the injustice would end. Hope that I would not be in this storm for the rest of my life. Granted it wasn't over. But there was the final realization that this is not all that God has in store for me. And...that He wasn't going anywhere.

As I said, it's been a year. A year of growth, & a year of realizing just how great my God is. Not great as in "that was a great sunset" but great in the way that He is my Strong Tower, my Shelter in the Storm. My Defender, my Abba.

The love of money...

Is some days the root of much amusement. :)

It all started back on a cold day in late December.
C called me on his way home from work. He needed to make a stop to check on a friends elderly mother who after taking some pills began to feel ill. Friend called C since he is an EMT to see if he could check up on her since he (friend) was about an hour from home.
So... C did. She was fine, just happened to take them on an empty stomach.
About a week later, we got a little envelope in our mailbox. In little old lady handwriting, it was addressed to C. It held a sincere thank-you note, and a $20 bill. While it was unnecessary, & certainly unexpected, C hung on to that $20 like gold.
                 
                   See, before C & I  got together he paid cash for
                   simply everything. Me not so much. My Debit  Card
                   was my sidekick, & the two of us got along like very
                   old friends.
                   After we got married, by default I became the keeper
                   of the checkbook. Perhaps because C's way of balancing
                   his account was "withdraw cash, look at balance on
                   receipt" :)
                  Once we got settled into our budget, we talked of doing
                   a monthly spending allowance. You know, for the snack
                   thing at work, or in C's case a soda every now & then.
                   Time goes on, and the whole allowance thing kinda fell
                   by the wayside.

All that brings us to last night. I'm laying in bed, & see C frantically digging through his work pants pockets, moving stuff around at the head of the bed, trying to look down between the wall & the mattress. Suddenly he gives me an accusing look & says "Did you take me dollar?"
At that point I cracked up laughing. Like that was going to help my case for innocence....I finally convinced him I did not take it from him, & it probably came out of his pocket somewhere & is lost.
The dear lost dollar was the last of his $20. He gave me a sad look, and we went to sleep.  I fell asleep thinking that perhaps I am depriving my husband a little too much if he is getting sad over $1.
Then this morning, in the murky blurry eyed moments before I was completely awake, I see a folded dollar held up in front of my nose & an excited-because-it's-Christmas kind of voice say....I found my dollar! 

And that my friends is the man I love :)

Not only is it Monday...

You would think that the fact that it is Monday would be enough. Sometimes I feel bad for Monday because I think it gets an undeserving bad rap, but not this Monday. No this Monday is totally deserving!
So anyone that has known me for any amount of time, knows that since the day I understood what sleeping in meant, - I love it. So these mornings in the dark season of winter are not my best friend.
But this particular morning, I awoke to my husband being a particularly extreme brand of funny. Not that I was all that amused in my half-wakened state, but that is neither here nor there. I crawled out of bed, glowered at the not so early morning darkness, & prepared to take on the day. I ate a semi-healthy breakfast, packed my lunch, got dressed of course, and headed to work. That is when it all started downhill. Which would be fine if I lived uphill from work........ I dont.
The first thing was the fact that the streetlights were still on. Streetlights = Darkness, Darkness= Night, Night = should not be on the way to work! Even after that though, I was still okay.
Then I reached the local high school.
Two minutes away from work, with 2 minutes to spare.
A little man in a reflective yellow jacket. (Little as in short, not in character I'm sure, but then again I do question it after his actions.)
His job title is crossing guard. He walked out into the middle of the road. He's allowed to do that.
The problem this morning as has happened several other mornings, is that he stops traffic (traffic that is on their way to work) to allow all 150 buses to pull out & go on their merry way. I sat in my car & said "this is so stupid! stupid! stupid! stupid!" until the word stupid itself sounded stupid. (it's looking a little stupid now too) Not only is it annoying because I'm still trying to get to work while their work is done (for the moment) but the school also has an entrance/exit that leads to a road that leads to a traffic light that intersects with the road that they are pulling out onto! (follow all that)
Anyway, nothing to wake you up on a Monday morning, than to get you blood bubbling! (it wasn't quite a rolling boil)

Of Pillows & Such

I was laying in bed in the early hours of the morning today, unable to sleep cause I got too warm.
Go figure, we're in the middle of a cold spell, & I'm suddenly warm?
As I struggled to bunch & roll my pillow in order to get comfortable, I was once again reminded that I am in desperate need of a new pillow.
I dont know how it goes in your house, but here's how it works in mine.
I have 1 pillow.
It's my favorite pillow (perhaps cause its my only?)
I've had it for as long as I can remember.
& I've got a pretty good memory so that's pretty long.
I distinctly remember the day the tag (do not remove under federal law tag) finaly fell to shreds. That end always went in the pillowcase first, cause I don't like feeling crinkly tags while I sleep.
Now that I think about it, I think it was one of my Christmas presents from back in the day, & I think my older sister got one the same time. I should ask her if she still has hers.
At sleepovers friends would "freak out" over my pillow. ( Like we didnt have enough freaking out to do over the cute boys!) It was all lumpy and bumpy. I liked it that way tho, cause there was always somewhere to stick my bob when i was laying on my back :)
Time goes on, and I now find myself in that place of having to find a pillow. The lumps & bumps got smaller, & the pillow got overall thinner. Guess old age can have that affect.  I hate the thought of a new pillow. They have so many kinds. Firm, Medim Firm, Super Firm, Contoured, Down Filled....The list goes on & on! I have no idea what I like! They dont have a catagory for lumpy & bumpy. Every time I go to Walmart, or Target I look at them, but in overwhelmed exasperation I decide I'll figure it out "next time".
Eventually I'll have no pillow, and anything will be better than nothing I guess.
Speaking of pillows, C uses two. Yep, Two. Stacked one on top of the other. When we got married two came along with him. One was very heavy, very thin. Think cardboard (ok, a little exageration there) The other pleasantly plump. He decided to replace the thin one with a down one. He now sleeps with his head at a 90 degree angle from his body. Tell me, Is this normal?
The other frustrating point is that sheet sets come with 2 pillowcases, so there is always one pillow with a different case. Guess I have to start buying them individually.

Nothing like a ridiculously long post about oversized marshmallows!

Thats what Faith Can Do

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
you think its more than you can take
but you're stronger, stronger than you know
Dont you give up now the sun will soon be shining
you gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining....

i've seen dreams that move a mountain
hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Family Camping

It's close
It's fun
It's family

This is the second year that we went camping in the Back 40. Otherwise known as the big area behind my dad's shop.

 

Dad watching over breakfast.
I think its kinda cool how the tripod frames an A for Aaron ;) 



Kirsten digging her mini marshmallos out of her hot chocolate.



Saturday was a clean up day at the shop. For some reason the men like doing things like driving the Hyster & pulling tress out by their roots, walking on the roof and pulling down tree branches, and going up in high lifts to fix windows on buildings.

While cleaning up a spot right near the campfire, Curt found a snake... thus the eager anticipation of Lucy & Christine to see but not be food put them on a higher level :)

 

Dad or otherwise refered to as Grandpa...enjoying some food with a few of his girls.



Dave going up to do the window.

Hauling fire wood

 

The happy littlest camper :)



I think this was during church.

It was a great weekend. Laughing, Talking, Playing settlers...Doing things that family was meant to do.